What New Games can you learn so that you can create Better Relationships.
We all want better relationships in our lives. No one really enjoys conflict or disharmony.
But sometimes no matter what we do, the relationships we want just don’t exist.
Why is that?
We want to experience the joy, comfort, support and connection that good wholesome relationships give us.
When this is absent from our lives we suffer.
We become isolated and feel unloved.
So you would imagine we should be super vigilant and competent in creating and maintaining these precious relationships we want and need so much.
What Games are we playing in our relationships?
Whether the relationship is with parents, friends, colleagues or lovers, are we always entirely honest in our transactions with them?
And if not why not?
What games are we playing?
What effect does it have on the quality of our relationships, and our physical and mental health.
Games are contaminated transactions.
They can be played consciously or unconsciously and they are based on fear and protection.
Games develop from our blueprint. This blueprint holds all our beliefs, our expectations, and the rules we live by.
The games are the distorted strategies coming from an impaired blueprint.
These games sabotage our relationships.
Games keep us away from better relationships.
Relationships provide us with a wonderful playing field to learn how we play the game. When we feel vulnerable or threatened we probably are in our strongest game playing role. Most of us do not like being vulnerable so we devise certain game playing to protect ourselves, but these strategies lead to complications not better relationships.
These complications come in the form of:
The Blame and Shame game-
When we blame others we are in the illusion that the outside world does something to us. “If only you were……….. I would be Happy.”
“If only you had done………………this would have been better.”
When we are constant blamers we put ourselves in to the victim role. We hinder better relationships because we project total responsibility onto the other person. We have in fact opted out of the relationship, pointing the finger of shame in one direction, and always away from ourselves.
As children we may have been blamed and over criticised so we have learned this behaviour and feel justified in using it.
Complain and Drain game.
The complainer and blamer focus on what isn’t working or what is not being given in the relationships.
“why didn’t you do it this way….Its not going to be good enough”
“why did you wear that……why not the white one.”
Complainers are never happy with what they have. When we complain persistently and inappropriately we never enjoy having. We forget to appreciate and show gratitude to others. Instead we spend time on finding fault in relationships-nothing is ever good enough. Complainers are good at identify problems real or otherwise but do not offer solutions.
Complaints chip away at the soul of a relationship and drain the energy out of it. We are telling people you are not enough, “you are not good enough for me.”
We are really guarding ourselves from connection-rejection and intimacy when we become the complainer.
The Please and Pretend Game.
Do we lack honesty and integrity in our relationships?
If you are a people pleaser or an approval seeker you are being unreal in your relationships.
Pleasers and Pretenders are being dishonest and have two personas running at the same time.
If you please people by pretending to agree, confirm or give support only to have a different truth program running internally you are a fraud. If you are playing this game, you might want to stop and re-evaluate.
Who are you playing it for? Is it helpful to the other person?
The Please and Pretend game destroys all hope of better relationships due to the absence of trust and security.
The Identifying and Analysing Game.
I find many people who are on their personal journey play lip service to engaging in better relationships.
Often they are keen to identify and analyse your short comings and flaws.
Everything you do is analysed and judged with intensity.
Have you ever been in a relationship where you just found fault all the time with the other person. What was playing out in that game?
When your playing this game you are breaking boundaries.
As Byron Katie mentions “Stay in your own business and stop projecting onto others”
If you want to be analysed then go to a therapist. In relationships you want to be respected, accepted and honoured.
The Energetic self-focuser.
There are many types of energy sappers and self-focusers. You know the one who takes up most of your time and energy by self-focusing on their drama.
They stop you in mid sentence with an eager reply. Or they are full of woe – Their mantra is “a problem shared is a problem halved.” only they take it to extremes.
I have close friends who ruminate and most of the time I can tolerate it. We all need to share concerns or ask advise or just talk, get it off our chests. But the energy sapper is selfish.
The self-focuser I have difficulty with is the one who comes across full of their concerns, takes up all your time, pretends to be interested in you promises to help you out and never delivers.
But somehow haunts you down until you deliver for them.
You will know you have just been with one when you notice your energy is depleted. This is due to a one sided transaction process. In better relationships there is always or nearly always an equal exchange of energy.
This balance or equal exchange of energy makes better long lasting relationships. Relationships can be akin to a choir. People meet with a mutual interest, they have the same intention, they sing from the same hymn sheet, and even though there is a vast variety of tone and pitch it all comes together to create something wonderful.
The Gossip Posey
The definition of gossip is “Casual or unconstrained conversation or reports about other people, typically involving details that are not confirmed as being true.”
The gossip Posey will lynch you and then say I didn’t do it.
How can a better relationship flourish if your confidentiality is broken or the gossiper talks about you behind your back?
This Posey follows the outlaws into the rocky mountains until they come full circle and realise they are facing themselves.
Clean transactions for better relationships.
We are all guilty of playing games.
These games are based on illusions of fear, rejection, jealousy, guilt. The list could go on. But they are toxic to developing better relationships with the people in our lives.
We can change them to what I call clean and clear transactions.
Clean transactions are established with:
Love as our intention.
Speaking our truth.
Developing virtues of Integrity- trustworthiness-respect and moral fibre.
Taking responsibility for ourselves and to others.
Showing compassion in all we do for ourselves and others.
Emotional maturity-consciousness-resilience – self management
Better relationships are grown over time and with the right ingredients can last a lifetime giving the reciprocates pleasure, joy and opportunity for personal growth.
Better relationships are nurturing and enhancing allowing us to be our full expression.
Can you have better relationships?
Before we have any worthwhile relationships we have to have to develop a good relationship with ourselves.
Is there one relationship you would like to improve?